Chapter 1 - Wildly Loved and Relentlessly Chosen
It’s Time to Break Free
Letting Go of Shame
“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”
-Isaiah 61:7
If I could write a letter to my younger self, I would tell her not to give up. I would tell her that everything threatening to take her out, will make her stronger. I would tell her not to lose heart. Freedom is around the corner.
I wish I could have told my younger self that it gets better because there were so many days in the past where I felt stuck and in need of hope.
My life used to be drastically different from how it is today.
I felt caught in between my past and the things I really wanted in life; in between my pain and who I know I am meant to be. I had so much to say. Instead, I often stayed silent – not wanting to rock the boat. I decided life was easier if everyone else was happy.
I thought that my inability to rest coupled with my need to perform was just a “good work ethic.” I figured most people probably wanted to be thinner, no matter how thin they became. I thought I just liked wearing makeup and looking put-together whenever I left my house. I believed I just needed to try harder to change my life and make my dreams a reality so that I could finally feel worthy.
From the outside, I looked driven, achieving, helpful, hardworking, capable, and put-together. From the inside, I was exhausted, unhappy, anxious, unfulfilled, and I felt like I could never quite measure up.
Eventually I began to understand what had been holding me back, keeping me down, and reminding me of my unworthiness in the most inconvenient moments and heartbreaking ways.
It was the thing that caused me to work all night at the office, to make endless to-do lists on vacation, to make sure I threw perfect parties and had a perfect house and looked perfectly put- together at all times.
It was the unwanted companion that followed me around, reminding me that no matter what I did, and no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough.
I was never enough.
It told me that to achieve worthiness, I always needed to do more and be more. After carrying it around like a dirty blanket for far too long, I finally realized that this thing has a name:
Shame: a nagging sense of unworthiness, and an overwhelming desire to prove yourself.
And it had to go.
The Past
Shame kept me crippled for years – unable to move forward and be seen in the fullness of who God made me to be. I realize, looking back, that shame made me hide. I hid behind my achievements, my striving, labels, busyness, and perfectionism. I hid from God when I felt unworthy of Him. I hid from others when I felt less than perfect. I hid from myself and from what I truly wanted in life.
The Bible says that Jesus came so that we can have life, and have it abundantly.[1] In comparison, when I was trapped in shame, my life looked like a constant attempt to measure up and prove myself while running as fast as I could in every direction.
Rather than choosing to step forward into the abundant life that Jesus died to give me, I unknowingly spent so much time trying desperately to measure up to arbitrary standards. I tried to prove myself rather than be seen and known for both my beauty and my mess.
Without realizing it, I was attempting to find peace from the pain of not feeling enough through my own efforts.
I had not yet learned that I am already perfect and enough in Christ. And because of that, I don’t need to hide anymore.
As God began to show me that there is another way to live, my life began to radically transform from the inside out. I went from constantly pushing myself to become more and achieve more, to being able to rest, receive, and enjoy my life. I went from turning on myself the second that someone else did, to trusting and believing in myself. I went from feeling that I needed to prove myself to be loved, to accepting and receiving God’s completely unconditional, irrational, wild, powerful, and beautiful love for me.
After journeying to this place of freedom, I have become passionate about living liberated from shame and helping others to do the same. I have seen shame take lives, destroy destinies, and erode relationships and marriages.
Shame becomes an open door to self-hatred in our lives. There are few things as destructive to our connectedness and our well-being as shame. It hides at the root of addictions, cycles, unhealthy relationships, and eating disorders. It is the cause of many instances of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide.
Shame, as innocent as it may seem as it creeps into our lives through self-sufficiency, performance, and perfectionism, ultimately becomes a partnership with darkness that leads to death.
God created us to partner with Him in releasing life and beauty. God’s charge to Adam and Eve in the story of creation was to subdue over the earth and to be fruitful and multiply.[2] We are designed to lead, to stand in our authority, and to create with our Creator, God. Meanwhile, the enemy of our souls is constantly trying to get us to abdicate our responsibility to steward what God has given us, and instead to partner with unbelief as we hide - giving up our promises, our birthright, our destiny, and ultimately all hope. The seed of shame that takes root in our hearts creates a destruction in our lives greater than we would have ever anticipated or bargained for.
This book is my journey of coming out of hiding. It is an invitation for you to come out of hiding too.
What if instead of agreeing with the enemy’s lies, we became a generation soaked in truth, full of confidence, and so deeply connected to God and others that shame no longer had a place in our lives? What if we no longer compared, second guessed, or put ourselves down; stopped self-sabotaging, self-isolating, and self-hating all together?
What if instead, we stepped fully into the dreams God has for us, held our ground in those places, and became good stewards of all God has given us?
Without shame holding us back, whispering lies, and convincing us that we are alone and inadequate, the whole world could change.
It’s time to stop staying silent when we have so much to say. It’s time to move forward into all the good that we want to do in the world. It’s time to break free from shame and to allow God to cover us as we live as the people He made us to be.
It’s time to live liberated.
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